Christians probably go through the roller coaster of unworthiness throughout their lives. Well, I take that roller coaster ride all the time. Maybe it is because I just hopped on to the bandwagon like seven years ago when I start to know Christ. So, the ride is probably much more adventurous for me because I can saviour the ride as a matured adult, discovering things fast and furious.
So, there was this fleeting moment of unworthiness that crept into my mind. It is not an easy feeling. There is this panicky waves of ‘OMG OMG, what did I do to deserver this? (good stuffs I mean) OMG, OMG, things are going to go cuckcoo and I am going to be in deep shits soon.”
These are all barriers to our faith. Just last Sunday, I heard a very moving homily from Father Fab. I was on OHP duty and that morning, I got three people bugging me to insert clips to flash on the OHP to switch off car lights lah, move car lah, shift car lah….It is very frustrating because they just don’t seem to notice that the priest was breaking God’s Words, delivering homily or breaking of bread. And I cannot possibly spoil Father Fab’s polished homily that asked people to ponder ‘God didn’t create death, envy did.’ with a flashing ‘Car number xxyxx please remove your car’, can I? Or break the momentum when Father Fab whispered in a low tone…”Do not be afraid….your faith has healed you” and another flashing of “Car number abc..please switch off your car lights” Doh…(of course, I ignored their requests and they probably cursed me for it, but who cares…)
Ok, ok, back to the homily, I came out of church on Sunday, feeling comforted of God being with us all the time. But few days later, I already start to doubt. So, I turned to the Bible and I read about the woman at the well. Everyone knows about the woman at the well. I had read that passage several times. However, this time, it is not the treatment Jesus gave to the woman from Samaria (which to those who wonders, it is like a pariah). Jesus did not treat her like one. His discples was shocked to see Jesus talking with a woman like that. Just imagine you have a respected holy-holy boss and you found him chatting with a prostitute, for example. You will be wondering, “What the hell is our boss doing with a woman like that?”
And Jesus knows what’s on His disciples’ minds. He said,
34″My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. 35Do you not say, ‘Four months more and then the harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. 36Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. 37Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. 38I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.” (John Chapter 4)
So, that sums up what unworthy people like me feel. We often feel we only deserve what we have reaped. If I had been too stupid to study much, I feel I don’t deserve to be given any good job, for example. But that’s not the way Jesus thinks. He said, if we do the Will of God, there is always good stuffs waiting for us, even if we feel we do not deserve it. I wonder how I could miss this part of the Bible for so long. All the time, it was about Jesus not treating the woman like pariah. Now, I discovered, He not only treated her well, He said rewards for those who do God’s Will has no limit.
Praise the Lord!
I frequently get comments asking me how can one become a Christian. The person/s will say they are such and such race and is such and such religion. After that, he/she/it will ask me how to become a Catholic.
You think I bodoh kah? It is an offence in this country to tell you anything about my religion. I already put big big disclaimer that this blog is meant for only certain non-certain religion.
So, give up already lah. Don’t try to rub shit on me.
Go away already! I can just delete your comments/questions with just a click. You need to type so much. So, you are wasting your time. I am doing you a favour, ok? Peace be with you. Shoo shoo. Whatever you are born with, you are to stay that way for life. Amen.
I finally finished preparing the lector’s duty roster for the next three months. Who would have known that preparing duty roster is such a chore, huh? But I am not complaining…I just pray that they don’t complain too much because it is indeed not easy to remember who wants which time and which day.
The nice thing about preparing the duty roster is how much more aware I am of the Catholic calendar. Now, I know the cycle better and I know more about feast days and such. For the month of July to September, we are going into the Ordinary Weeks and there is only one special day which is Assumption. So, preparing the roster isn’t that difficult because there are no extra masses or special readings.
Every time I do the roster, I will get all worked up because the printer is not in my room. I have to ask my son to print it for me and usually, I need to do several printing because I have problems doing it on Word document. So, what I did is to print a skeleton of it, amend and amend before I print the final copy. The thing is when it is about to go to the church clerk for photocopying, someone is bound to make a last minute request and me being me, will try to accommodate. However, the last minute amendment sometimes screwed up the whole roster because of overlapping of duty.
So, my son would ask, “Ma, so stress why you go and volunteer?” My answer is always, “Well…someone has to do it and since no one else offers, I do it.” I think I have done the roster for a complete year already. I still make many mistakes but I am getting there. I have been a lector for three years, I think. Still making mistakes but I am getting there. I have been the overhead projector handler for two years. Still making mistakes but I am getting there. Actually, there is no end to “getting there”. One is bound to make a mistake or two from time to time because as I see it, God has to find someone clumsy like me so that others who are about the same clumsy will not be afraid to join me in serving the church. If I am such a pro, who will dare to join the clique, right? So, yeah, thank you Lord for giving me the thick skin, perseverance, determination and the ‘almost getting there’ attitude. I know You love me because I always hang in there, bitches or not.
Yeah, did I ever mention the number of people who only wish me when I make a mistake and overlooked me when I don’t? There are those ladies who would gleefully come to me and wish me, “Hey, Lilian, how are you…what happened just now? You forget izzit?” when say, I made a boo-boo or two. But on regular days, they have that glazed look and forget to say “hi” to me. Gee, did I tell you I love these people? They made me feel like I am a saint. Downtrodden, being laughed at and yet, God Loves me with a capital L.
The music from the movie Chariots of Fire is one of those easily identifiable song that almost everyone recognise unless they are totally clueless and blur. I never watched the movie because it was so boring for a teen. I was in my late teen then but my second brother adored the movie and he played the music at home. So, I sort of grew up with that.
Yet, I do not know what is the movie all about nor care to find out. It was only recently that Fr Huan showed us part of the clip where this guy who runs in the Olympic refused to run on a Sabbath day because it is against his faith. Now, I forgot why Fr Huan showed us the movie and what’s the moral behind it. LOL. I think it is about how strong we are in our faith and how far we are ready to go to uphold it. The runner, Eric Liddel refused to run but his team mate gave up his spot for him so that he can win a gold medal or something like that.
Chariots of Fire is a British film released in 1981. Written by Colin Welland and directed by Hugh Hudson, it is based on the true story of British athletes preparing for and competing in the 1924 Summer Olympics. The film was nominated for seven Academy Awards and won four, including Best Picture.
Anyway…I still won’t watch the movie because I still think it is awfully boring, no matter how strong the characters are. But I love the music so I am putting it here.
For the last couple of years, I have stopped taking an active part in grief support because it is tiring to keep listening to newly bereaved parents. Yet, on and off, new people join my Yahoo group grief support. I think it is the only online support group available here in our country. The group is non-religious based and I usually reject religious people who tried to join the group. I only accept parents who have lost a child.
Maybe tired is not the word to describe why I have stopped doing this sort of grief support. Maybe it is too jaded. I have heard so many shocking and sad tales of how parents lost their babies and children. After a while, it becomes almost like the same story. Either the baby died due to birth defects, illness, carelessness on the part of the babysitter, accidents or something similar. So, when the numbers piled up, one become another. It is so hard to keep up my spirit to console these parents.
I do not believe in dishing out standard replies because each grieving parent deserves my full attention and personal concern. Yet, there is only one of me and I can only open up my wounds and wearing my heart on the sleeves for so many times before I become tired.
I tried encouraging all the other members to provide and share their stories with those moms who just joined but some never did. I remember how eager I was to tell my son’s story over and over and over again when I lost him. It is like a sedative to be able to cry over it over and over and over again. So, I am not sure why the newly bereaved moms are not opening to the others because that’s the only way one can recover from the loss of a child.
It is to talk about the child, the loss, the heartaches, pains over and over again. Cry till there is no more tears and one day, you will find something to laugh and you realise the sun always rise, however bad you feel inside. One cannot keep and suppress those feelings because the they will never go away. One cannot run away from grieving over child loss. The only way is to face it, talk about it with other bereaved parents and take one day at a time.
Now, I have about 4 newly bereaved moms and I can only hope that they will lend each other their support because I truly cannot bear listening again. Seven years is far too long for me to keep identifying myself as a grieving mother.
