Christians probably go through the roller coaster of unworthiness throughout their lives. Well, I take that roller coaster ride all the time. Maybe it is because I just hopped on to the bandwagon like seven years ago when I start to know Christ. So, the ride is probably much more adventurous for me because I can saviour the ride as a matured adult, discovering things fast and furious.
So, there was this fleeting moment of unworthiness that crept into my mind. It is not an easy feeling. There is this panicky waves of ‘OMG OMG, what did I do to deserver this? (good stuffs I mean) OMG, OMG, things are going to go cuckcoo and I am going to be in deep shits soon.”
These are all barriers to our faith. Just last Sunday, I heard a very moving homily from Father Fab. I was on OHP duty and that morning, I got three people bugging me to insert clips to flash on the OHP to switch off car lights lah, move car lah, shift car lah….It is very frustrating because they just don’t seem to notice that the priest was breaking God’s Words, delivering homily or breaking of bread. And I cannot possibly spoil Father Fab’s polished homily that asked people to ponder ‘God didn’t create death, envy did.’ with a flashing ‘Car number xxyxx please remove your car’, can I? Or break the momentum when Father Fab whispered in a low tone…”Do not be afraid….your faith has healed you” and another flashing of “Car number abc..please switch off your car lights” Doh…(of course, I ignored their requests and they probably cursed me for it, but who cares…)
Ok, ok, back to the homily, I came out of church on Sunday, feeling comforted of God being with us all the time. But few days later, I already start to doubt. So, I turned to the Bible and I read about the woman at the well. Everyone knows about the woman at the well. I had read that passage several times. However, this time, it is not the treatment Jesus gave to the woman from Samaria (which to those who wonders, it is like a pariah). Jesus did not treat her like one. His discples was shocked to see Jesus talking with a woman like that. Just imagine you have a respected holy-holy boss and you found him chatting with a prostitute, for example. You will be wondering, “What the hell is our boss doing with a woman like that?”
And Jesus knows what’s on His disciples’ minds. He said,
34″My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. 35Do you not say, ‘Four months more and then the harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. 36Even now the reaper draws his wages, even now he harvests the crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. 37Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. 38I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.” (John Chapter 4)
So, that sums up what unworthy people like me feel. We often feel we only deserve what we have reaped. If I had been too stupid to study much, I feel I don’t deserve to be given any good job, for example. But that’s not the way Jesus thinks. He said, if we do the Will of God, there is always good stuffs waiting for us, even if we feel we do not deserve it. I wonder how I could miss this part of the Bible for so long. All the time, it was about Jesus not treating the woman like pariah. Now, I discovered, He not only treated her well, He said rewards for those who do God’s Will has no limit.
Praise the Lord!
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