Be not afraid

“I know not how to speak; I am too young.”
But the LORD answered me,
Say not, “I am too young.”
To whomever I send you, you shall go;
whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Have no fear before them,

because I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD.
(Jer 1:4-10)

I was on lector’s duty today. Just yesterday, I only learnt that the readings for today has been changed due to the Vigil of the birth of St. John the Baptist. Being the ‘newbie’, I am freaked out because of the short notice and also the tough part where one sentence goes on for almost three lines. I had to read them until I can get the right pause, tone and closing pitch. You can see the explanation on the reading of the first letter of St. Paul here on lectorprep.org. It is said that it is a very tough reading because I have to convey a message that can split its meaning if I don’t read carefully.

Moreover, I am on duty for the 6 pm mass which usually has the biggest turn out by the most errrm..critical people. So, I prayed like my life depends on it.

Needless to say, I was very, very nervous initially when the mass starts. I normally like to sing out loud and use my voice to the max so that I do not get a dry throat when it comes to my turn. I mean the, Lord Have Mercy, Gloria and the I confess..(hehehe, pardon me but I am still blur on the right term to use). Even then, I feel like my voice has faltered and I can hear my voice quivering.

But praise the Lord, the above verse from the first reading jolted me. I have often worried how the church elders are going to react, how some of the parishioners are critical of our readings and etc if I made even a slight mistake. I immediately felt a surge of courage. It is like the Lord talking to me. Don’t be afraid of them. He is with me. I may be new to the church but there is nothing that I should fear.

And thank God, today is one of those days when I can step down from the lectern and feel glad that I had done my best. Most times, I felt rotten because I am most critical of my own reading. I demand a 100% perfect proclaimation of the Word of God from myself and usually, I know I did not do so well.

Still…..I wonder why I subject myself to these hellish trips? Why don’t I just sit back and be the listener? Why do I like to torture myself with these freakish moments once and sometimes twice a month?