Brutal words, kind intentions

One of the thing experience by those who are terminally ill is depression. They sometimes withdrawn into their own shell. When you talk to them, they give you this glaze look and they only answer in short sentences just to get you away from them.

Even without formal training, I can tell when a patient needs some truthful and brutal words to draw them back. Today is one of those days. Normally, I will take a few days to get acquainted. But sometimes, we do not know what tomorrow will bring so it is imperative to get them back fast.

Before a patient can warm up to me, they have to trust me first. Usually, they will start looking at me in the eyes after I explained to them why I am there, what I have gone through, have seen or felt before. When they know I had been through those fears of dying, seeing my baby in pain and feeling helpless, they will begin to listen to me.

Some won’t talk. Some will. But usually, I have to get these messages across to them. I will tell them that I am not there to pity them. I am not there to cheer them up. I have no solution or any miraculous options. I sincerely and truthfully tell them that I see the person as he/she was. By then, I would have gathered what their occupation was and I told them to me, he/she is that person. I told them I don’t see you with all these tubes and swelling, bones and bruised skins and such. I see only ‘you, the person you were before you illness’. If the patient is a woman, I would touch them on the upper arm and told them, “I want that person to talk to me. Will you allow me to talk with that ‘you’?” If it is a man, I usually stay a distance unless they are very, very old.

A lot of times, I myself am surprised with how I could phrase all those sentences together. I usually take comfort that a force is with me. The unseen hands behind me. Sometimes, I will end up in one of the room occupied by a previous patient who is now deceased and I can imagine them as my guardian angels. They could be a Muslim lady, a Hindu friend, a jovial Chinese woman and etc. I privately remember them and I know they would be smiling in approval and giving me that extra courage to be there for another person, the way I had been with them. Or it could be God’s shadow hovering over me.

From there, I pray and hope they will start to be connected with their loved ones and it is fine they get sad and tearful. What is important is to prepare these patients to have a proper goodbye. It is better be filled with some tears and memories than to get shut away in cold distance without any feelings. I hate to see people just withdrawing into their shell and soon, they will just pass away without a chance to express what they really feel.

And why am I sharing this? Because each of us have to play this role someday. It could be to your parents, your friends or someone random. Our presence is very important to those people who have withdrawn into themselves. Be brutal with them with kind intentions. We cannot escape death. But we can make the final goodbye more meaningful and memorable. Loved ones sometime have problem pulling the person back because they find it hard to be brutal. That’s why I feel a person with that role is important. Hence, I am still going back every day for the ‘brutal but kind’ mission.