*This is me talking to self. Ignore the post because you will go nuts deciphering it.*
So, I have been there for three weeks and had seen death. It is now becoming a routine. Each morning, I pray hard before I start my rounds. I want challenges, I want the worst case scenario.
Breaking the initial cocoon is hard. It takes me a few days and some small talks before I get closer to the second layer. Then, when they have started to trust me, they either go home or go ‘up’.
I don’t know what I am expecting. I think I wish to see results. Which is not something possible.
That’s when I feel that I need to venture deeper into this by taking up formal education so that I am clearer on my own expectations as well as becoming more effective.
So, I tried to broach this subject with a few persons. I pick them carefully, hoping they understand my predicament. Sadly, none of them who are mothers know what I want. Women cannot understand why I am so zany. Why I cannot be satisfied watching my children growing up. Instead, I want to see dying people. So, yeah, no one tells me, “Go ahead”. Not even when I told them I do not have much time because this is the only period when I have a ‘babysitter’ I can trust.
All I want is a few more encouraging words from several people. Now, all the people I asked who encouraged me are males, confirmed bachelors (heh) and they had been in this ministry before. They know what it is like being there. Their encouragement is definitely very motivating to me. But they are not a sister I can sob to. I hate that. Telling half my problems is very frustrating. Oh yeah, there are sisters too but they are not the typical women like me who shoulder a 101 things that I am responsible for.
I see a much bigger picture. A tougher scene. I read that what I intend to do will even see me end in prisons, shelters and other places. Now only expensive hospitals with maids tailing around. That’s why I want to go and get more ‘professional’.
I had sent a note to the ‘mafia looking, coolest guy’ today. I shall wait to have that final talk and that’s it. I am going to ask him :
1) I do not want to be limited to a paid job. I want to be part of a bigger ‘organisation’. Is that possible and if yes, what are the options?
2) Exactly, what results can I see? I am human, I am selfish, if I do something, I want to know that there are results. I know it does but to what extend?
3) Tell me where one can end up? I am not talking about the most prestigious position but the lowest of the big, bad world.
4) Should I tie myself down to the place who sponsors me? If I do that, will that impede my chances of exploring the kind of world I am looking for? Is there currently a ministry that needs services like these?
Damn, I am difficult to please. Give me an inch, and I want the whole world.
In conclusion, no ones encourage me to just do it. They tried but from the tone of their voices, I know they have that incomplete sentences. The only people who encouraged me are not living in the kind of world I live in. I mean the mundane, cosy, sheltered world where I am the one who provides it.
I hate, hate, hate this ‘to jump or not to jump’ situation. I know people will tell me, In His time. Many people told me the Lord will decide. Well, I hope so. I hope one day when I wake up in the morning, open my eyes and see a green YES, a yellow WAIT or the red ‘FORGET IT, WOMAN, GO BACK TO SLEEP’ written on my bedroom ceiling.
Never mind, mafia-looking guy is coming back in August.
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