I have a way to reply this. “If you need to ask, you are better off not doing it.”
I have written several posts in my personal blog.
Note that I am not an expert in these matters but I do have a lot of experiences as I was brought up in a traditional Chinese home before I converted to Christianity six years ago.
So, if you ask me, I would say, “Do it for the sake of the living and for respecting your in-laws.”
Someone once related to me this situation. A young man was so full of himself and refused to take part in the grandfather’s funeral. He said he is a Christian and he cannot hold joss-sticks. So, he didn’t join in the procession around the coffin and etc.
However, when the old man’s estate was distributed to the families, he has no problem getting his shares. So, the person told me how fake it is that the young man cannot do that one last respect for the old man and yet, do not find the old man’s money ‘against his religion’.
Then, I have a friend who is a Catholic and she made hell for her mother-in-law. Though both of them were guilty of trying to be stubborn about it, I feel it is wrong for the junior party to be so calculative. The mother-in-law would offer the foods to their ancestors. So, this woman refused to eat the foods and on Chinese New Years, they would quarrel or show hostility towards each other. The poor husband then, had to find foods for the wife as she said the food at home has been ‘defiled by the offerings’. *roll eyes* I have a post on ‘Do Christians eat foods offered to idols?’
Therefore to the above question, I would say, “If you are so unsure, then, don’t do it.” But remember that Jesus often remind His disciples, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” and “Love thy neighbour as I (Jesus) have loved you.” Would you go out of your way to hurt the feelings of your elders? Or do you prefer to ask God for His understandings and at the same time, pray that He will minister to the others’ hearts?
During my relative funeral, I told the Taiost monk that I am a Christian but I wish to join in the funeral rites. So, I do what I deem to be respect for the dead and I step aside when they pray to their deities. The people around me knows that I am part of the mourning party but I am not ‘one of them’. We gain respect for our compassion and also our open mind.
Whatever it is, don’t ever be the pain in the arse and make others point fingers at us Christians as being rude, disrespectful, insensitive, ill-mannered and selfish.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Thanks for the post - I’ve been wondering that myself over the years. (I’m not saddled with the dilemma as an atheist).
I first noticed when my Christian auntie prayed along (but didn’t hold a lit joss stick) at my late grandfather’s funeral years ago. I was reminded of this again a couple years ago when a Methodist friend (a convert) said that he can’t bury his parents or something like that as they’re not “believers”. Can’t help but think, “WTH - they’re your PARENTS…!! You do what you can lah!” Filial piety trumps religious beliefs - I’m sure He will understand, no?
I guess you’re right - just do it lah, it’s not everyday you do it.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Emmph, interesting, well my part of the family has been christianized since our great grand parents so that won’t be an issues. Well my in-laws are not and my wife and her siblings are all christians.
I have ask her several times what happens when they kicked the bucket ? Who is going to do the ceremony ? We will just have to wait and see then don’t we.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:08 am
ducky - In my personal opinion, we must respect the wishes of the deceased and do what we think they will prefer. My uncle who never bother about all these praying and god stuffs was given a ‘non-religious’ funeral by her daughter who is a Catholic. The wake is still beautiful but there isn’t any religious symbols.
synical - Usually, in the rather public event, one has to do what suits the deceased because it is their last glorious exit. I gave my mother-in-law some elaborate funeral send-off eventhough I feel ‘pain in the pocket’. Yet, we managed to collect enough bereavement donations to cover the ‘RM4K for one night performance’ plus other expenses.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Aiyoh , I have been told Christians CANNOT do yoga, taichi, karate, foot reflexology,chigong, or read books like Harry Potter etc. etc. etc……. and the list goes on ….
So like that,what can they do ??
August 29th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
oh my…this subject haizzzzz
sometime i just dont get it…every religious is teach ppl to be good n be better,believe GOD in our heart.
However,some “religious” person got some “stupidly way” of their believe…haizzzz
August 29th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
After reading your post, I understand your religion better. I hear the same thing like MOMO. When I was in Christian school, my friends like to tell how great Jesus is and those who are not practising/believing in Christ are Satans’ followers.
Oh yes, my sister-in-law is a Christian. She follows her hubby but she still pays respect to her late father and enjoys the same food that we offer during prayer. She is doing the right thing.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
A Catholic cannot eat food offered during pagan prayers. She is NOT doing the right thing. There is a difference between respect, religion and tradition. She is trying to blend in to make everyone else feel good. Religion is not about feeling good.
A Catholic can “attend” funerals, etc, and even hold the joss stick, but he/she cannot do the “bowing” etc. as that constitutes a participation to the rite which is of pagan practice and not that of Catholic practice.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Dominic - I ate them all and I don’t see why not. Didn’t Jesus said what goes into our mouths is not important? And what’s wrong with bowing? You really puzzle me.
September 1st, 2008 at 2:02 pm
choonie - Actually, if Christians go all fanatic, yes, non-believers and those who do not embrace Jesus are indeed heading for hell. Hehehe. But I won’t see things that way because who are we to decide, right?
mspretty - There are many who cause hostility with their self-righteousness, just like how the Pharisees were back in Jesus times.
Momo - Actually, tai chi, yoga and some meditations that are meant to unite our soul with our whatever is like messing with the Holy Spirit in us. So, yes, in some ways, it is partly true. We are baptised with the Holy Spirit (the holy ghost of Jesus) in us, living in our souls, so we try not to mess with things that ka-ka-cau-cau lah. Later, they gaduh inside our heads, mah chialat. Then again, if for health and exercise, then, nothing wrong, I think.
September 1st, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Didn’t Jesus said that there is only one true God? And like I said - it constitutes pagan practice. We cannot eat things which have been offered to other ‘Gods’. You puzzle me too.
September 1st, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Dominic - When a person’s faith is strong enough, there are no other gods. So, it is food. Eat it.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I dun see anythg wrong wif eating food that has been used for praying..after all, we are not participating in the prayer…we are not wasting food that has been used to pray
anyway, god did nt specify that we cant eat the food….many of these are our own human intepretation
for someone who parents hv brought him up and yet dun even noe how to conduct the rites for him, i wld say its ridiculous…din god say to honour our parents as in one of the commandments
its better lidat than to force religion down a person so that the religious rites can be conducted to suit the person holding it…
September 1st, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Faith alone does not guarantee you heaven.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Dominic - Typical of people like you. Go on, bury me in hell. I am used to terse words like these.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
About the food, I think the argument here has just gone overboard, but let us look back at what Scripture has to say.
Mark 7:1-23 basically echoes what lilian mentioned above. While the Pharisees were concerned of whether the food is clean or defiled, Jesus focused on the conditions of the heart that would tell whether a person is clean or defiled. So, food offered to other “gods” would not defile us, rather, nasty words that comes out from our mouth would.
Let’s look at this with another angle. Say, you are walking alone, and you happen to see a “prosperity cake” laid on the grass by the side of a big tree. You did not know if that cake was offered by some pagans to the “big tree god”, or in a more common term - “datuk kong”. There was a weak beggar 50 feet from the tree. Looking at the beggar, he has no strength to even crawl to the tree for food. To make matters worse, he’s so exhausted and weary that he might die any minute. What would you do?
Do you:
1. Go somewhere and buy “clean” food, and give to the beggar? (He might die when you are choosing the “right” food.)
2. Leave him alone?
3. Take the “prosperity cake”, and put it in the beggar’s mouth?
Jesus advised us to do #3. Read Matthew 25:31-45.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
David - The modern day, Malaysian good samaritan story hor? Hahaha, thanks.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Hi Lilian
Christians can hold joss-stick in respect of descend.
I would like to share my very own story.Not all Christians willing to hold the joss-sticks or even knee down in front of their desend parents.
Last Nov when my mum in law pass away and to her will,we perform a Buddhist funeral and my brother and sisiter in law can’t even knee in front of their descend mum and can’t hold joss-stick.They both from famous Faith Bapst Church in singapore.
Been understanding and respect their belief and we need not even force them and try to make sure they feel comfortable with it. After 6months , it sad to perform another funeral for my dad in law. And again we perform a Buddhist Funeral for his wish.And again due to their belief and they can’t knee nor hold the joss-stick.
When i come across your blog and knowing that you are so wise to understand that it just a way to show respect to the descend the the culture of what they have.
I was very upset that they both hold such high education and can be so supersities and more over the descend were our mum and dad / in laws.
As what you say is right! When come to the share of the descend properity,they can have a share of it.can’t they just respect their parents last will and make them happy. As Buddhisum Funeral we try to minimis the traditional way to make them more comfortable over it jus to show respect to their beliefs. But their beliefs in still fear in them and they become blind faith and do not preach or practice their teaching in their daily lives.
Many thanks