Confessions

I think one of the scary thing about being a Catholic is having to go for confessions. I admire those who can go for confession several times a year. I admire them for the truth they carry with them.

I had to practically force myself to make the trip to confess my sins to the priest. It is facing our own weaknesses, our wrong doings and making ourselves so vulnerable that make confessions such a difficult thing to do.

I probably had not gone for confession for almost a year. Last Wednesday, I was already in church to bring foods to my son’s camp. Lots and lots of people were queueing up for the penitential rites. I was supposed to hang around until the teens finished eating before I can take back my pots and plates.

The nagging feelings were eating into my conscience. I have nothing much to do and the priests from other parishes and even the Bishop were there to carry out the sacrament of reconciliation. So, I obediently got myself into the queue. I seriously do not know what I am going to confess. I know I have done a lot of things that is against God but those are regular things that repeat itself. I do not believe in going back again and again over the same thing. I spread rumours, I tell little white lies, I gossip and etc etc. Who doesn’t?

Will it make me ‘clean’ if I go and confess over these things because I know that soon enough, I am going to repeat them. The rebellious me also asked, “Doh, why bore the priests over such menial things?” Didn’t I already I confess every week before mass?

Still, it is the right thing to go for confession. I think this is the 3rd or 4th time when I went to confession without knowing what specifically I am going to confess. I have gone for confession over other things that really broke me. Those really serious stuffs that only God knows. Those to me are serious things that are best confessed and over and done with.

Now, I don’t have any heavy stuffs to confess. I didn’t kill someone, steal my neighbour’s husband :P, sins of the flesh, create rumours, causing someone to be get into trouble or any things like that. I mean, I can’t possibly waste the time of the Bishop or priest by sitting there for an hour and tell him, “You know…there is this one time I got pissed with someone and I scolded them, and then, there is this other time, I forgot to pay for a 30 cents lollipop because my son kept it in his pocket and I didn’t go back to pay because the petrol will cost $3 because you know hor, I heard our Government is over charging us…and you know…I like to talk a lot about politicians and I think I have sinned a wee-bit by making bad remarks about them….and yes, I tend to forget to say my night prayers because I spent too much time blogging and fell asleep the moment I remember I am sleepy and Father, forgive me also for the times I lied about my blog titles, enticing people with the word sex when I have nothing sexy to offer…bla bla bla…”

So, what do a Catholic who tries to be a good Catholic do in a situation when she is only one person away from her confession? Run? Come back another time? Yeah, I did pause and pray for God’s guidance and prepare myself for confession. I know that’s what one should do.

I went in. He is the youngest priest from my parish and a lot of our parishioners usually like to avoid facing a priest they meet everyday. That’s why I don’t need to queue very long. In fact, the person ahead of me was a little boy about 10 years old who probably was going for his second confession.

I sat down. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. The last time I came for confession was about a year ago. Father, forgive me for not knowing what I have done wrong. My sin is I do not know what are my sins. I may be a little too self-righteous and I know that it is a sin. So, Father, I pray for a humble heart, a heart that tells me when I am wrong and I am able to admit I am wrong.”

I expected to get lectures about the danger of being self-righteous and how God hates people who think they are sinless and blameless. But instead, it made my priest smiles and my crass confession took him by surprise. I guess he hasn’t met many people who went for confession and confessed that they have nothing to confess. But the wise priest talked to me about the reason why I face that situation. And through that little pep talk, I confessed that I like to run away from responsibilities. I refuse to go an extra mile sometimes. Most times, I know it is God’s promptings to do that extra task. But I always have excuses. And that’s why I am living a cosy life with very little challenges and hence, no major obstacles that cause any stumbles.

Well, I am glad I had that revelation. Will I lay down my life at the Lord’s wishes? I do not know. I can always go back for another confession next time and confess that I am still hiding.