Doubt, the faith killer

Hmmm…these few days have been filled with a lot of doubts. So many frustrating things that made me forget that there is faith. The faith of knowing that Jesus will somehow make good what is bad.

So, yeah, I finally concluded that doubt is the #1 killer of faith. Not temptations, not envy, not anything that anyone can do to us but what we can do to ourselves to destroy our faith. Sure people will easily brush it off as satan’s work. But I do not like satan to meddle with. It is all our own weaknesses that we tend to doubt.

It is not easy not to wonder if God is just a figment of our imagination and whatever things are just our own doing. It is difficult to have a faith that cannot waver in a storm. Even the disciples doubt.

He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. {30} But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” {31} Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:29-31)

See? Even Peter doubted. What more mortals like us who have to face all sorts of constipated people and anal retentive relatives? I told myself that one of these days, I am going to make an appointment for a confession. I am just so, so sick of thinking evil thoughts of what to do with a scum who just don’t feel shame, borrowing from his poor brethens. Hmmm…maybe I should warn the priest to keep the whole of his morning free just to listen to me rant and rant and rant…..

So, I asked myself, “What would a good Christian relative like me do?” Well….I am the bad Christian. And if I am a good Christian, maybe I will pray for the person, ask the Lord to remove all the anger from my heart and let him strike his lottery so that he doesn’t need to hide from loan sharks and beg for money from all of us. But hey, I am no saint and I just wish he will get a good whacking, not to death but at least blue black and a few broken bones so that he knows never to get into messy debts and expect us to clean up for him.

Hmmm…who knows, the Lord may even hear my bad Christian prayers and really answer me. Really…whoever said we must always pray for good things only? I mean, if his own spouse is not helping him, why should I, right? So, Lord, teach him a lesson, whatever way you feel is good for a chronic borrower and show-off like him. And please forgive me for the wicked thoughts. At least I didn’t doubt You. I still believe You hear my prayers, good or otherwise.