Freely you have received, freely give.

Contrary to what people think, I do not talk religion when I am doing my volunteering rounds. Anyway, I dislike talking religion because I know I was highly allergic to people who preach. I just hate them, regardless they are Buddhists, Christians or in-betweens. My immediate reaction is to ‘Get the hell out of my face because I have enough problems of my own (when my son was critically ill)’.

However, sometimes I am given certain people to chat with and I am being told in advance they are Catholics. That’s when I can just jump right in and make myself at home with talks about Yesus, Perawan Maria and do ‘Catholic things’ like praying with them and making the cross or recite the rosary (whatever the patient wants, not what I dictate).

Today, I have the blessed opportunity to have a chat with someone who is a church elder. Being someone who used to be in control and in a commanding position, it is always very hard for them to get used to their illness and their limited movements. It is not easy to deal with situations like these because I have not been in their shoes. I know I would wish death will come soon if I have to be invalid.

What can I offer then? Nothing. I merely listened and we chatted about how Jesus must have felt being put to death in the kind of humiliating death they put Him through. How a human Jesus must felt when none of what He had done on earth was appreciated and even His disciples abandoned him and refused to admit they know him (Peter denied he knows Jesus three times).

That’s when we got to the part of total surrender to God and His will. That’s when we agreed that so many things on earth, like sufferings, pains, helplessness and etc are beyond our control and we cannot do anything to them except to embrace it. And the only thing we can do is to hang on to the faith that God is with us. Hopefully that faith and belief will give calm, peace and endurance to the sufferings.

“Kamu sudah menerima kuasa ini dengan percuma, maka lakukanlah semuanya tanpa meminta bayaran!” (Mattius 10:8)

I went up to the chapel after my rounds. It was still early and I feel a bit shy to leave the hospital so early. There aren’t many patients around so I decided to ‘waste time’ in the chapel. I dug out an old Gideon bible from the book shelves. Gideon bible is awfully hard to read and understand as they use the old English of ye shalt not, thou speaketh etc etc. I didn’t bring my Al-Kitab today. However, the verse from Matthew chapter 10, sort of flew out of the pages and bring me the realisation that I am not giving but rather I am receiving. I am not giving my time but rather, I am receiving God’s grace of discovering His mysteries through all my acquaintances with these special people.

8Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy,[a]drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.

I must note that the gentleman was amused with me when I confessed to him that I personally find it very unfair to God when we asked God to heal us when we know it is impossible. I said that we cannot totally ‘demand’ from God for a miracle because it will be unfair to put to the test our God. He laughed and confessed to me that he too told his other doctor in his country, “Fuck off” when the doctor refused to reveal that he has cancer but instead, bring out the Bible and wanted to pray. So, yeah, I praise the Lord that patients are comfortable enough with me to tell me that they told their doctor fuck off. How cool is that, huh?