I hate it when I don’t get that ‘Aha!’

I was on OHP duty on Saturday sunset mass. Grrr….I hate it when the organist kept playing without giving signals to me or his cantors. His cantors probably know the cue, i.e. when the music is ending or not. But I am only looking at the words of the hymns so what do I know about that? So, he went on diitt-ddiiit-diiitt–dit dit some old hymn that I don’t even know how to sing.

And I saw the priest sitting there, waiting already for the opening hymn to finish….. Normally, organist stop when he/she sees the priest already seated. So, I thought it is the end of the song. How do I know they are repeating verse one? So, I ended the slide and when I realized the cantors continue singing, I had to locate the number of the first verse and one doesn’t immediately find it because my print out is rather small. And yerrrr……..I hate it when those parishioners turned their heads over to stare at me. Ish, so clever, come and volunteer lah!

That kind of spoil my mood because I feel damn pissed when organists never give me cues and I have to stare helplessly at the only nice cantor who will signal for me. But he stands way behind me and I need to turn my head desperately to look for signals.

Therefore, my mood for sunset mass was spoilt. This morning, I had promised John to attend the mass to pray for his deceased mother. I insisted to my three older children to follow me to church because I am tired of all the aunties asking me ‘Where are your children’ every time they see me. Yerrrr….you know how hard it is to drag three sleepy heads to church on a Sunday morning or not?

I had to call them to wake up since 9 am, 9.15 am and by 9.20 am, I will be screaming, “I am waiting in the car!!!!” and they will slowly crawl to the bathroom.

So, I wanted to have some peace and quiet. But somehow, I still cannot find the ‘Aha’. Sunday morning cantor group is fantastic. I know I shouldn’t attend mass for the sake of the music and signing but still, A’s group of cantor sang so beautifully.

I missed my choir group soooooo much. So much that I can cry because we aren’t singing any of those uplifting songs anymore. The next choir practice is for Christmas and it is not so inspiring to sing Jingle Bells. A’s cantor sang Agnus Dei and I still can sing it! Now, I appreciate Latin hymns but too bad, no more choir.

This week’s reading is very encouraging. I love St. Paul’s reminder that God qualifies the ones He called and He doesn’t call the qualified. And then, there is the pearl parable and separating the fishes parable. But still, no oomph. These readings are most uplifting but the homily was too ’sermon-y’. I don’t care about Solomon. I want to hear things that I could relate to. But I didn’t.

I cannot find that ‘aha’ that I am longing for. I want to get that push to move. I want Jesus to tell me, “Woman, stop whining so much, close your eyes, have faith, leap and I will be there.” But what did I get from two boring masses over the weekend? Nothing.