I really, really must learn to say no, even to godly stuffs

I must learn to say no more often.
Then, I don’t have to torture myself unnecessary.
But I think I am too kind to say no.
Why say no when it is something I can easily do for someone who doesn’t know how to?
Tomorrow morning, I am going to meet someone to make her a website.
And I have a ton of photos to resize for CG.
I should have done the CG pics but the broadband is always so slow whenever I put my mind to sit down and do it.
I only managed one batch.
Feel bad that I didn’t do things as fast as Fr EP hopes.
Not that he complains but I am not the kind who puts people waiting.
Then, there is the interviews to be done for UCAN.
I am so glad FC called me from Bangkok today about the videos.
I actually hate writing about godly stuffs because it is so uptight writing for churchie matters.
Now, FC said I can do videos. I like! No need to think of words to use, just whack what comes to my mind when I am interviewing.

This Saturday, it is my turn to teach catechism class. It is about prophets and I better start working on the materials.
Then, there is the CCC which means two days of church lessons.
I hope I find my eagerness to learn churchie stuffs again.
My last experience with Fr what’s his name about liturgy has made me very disillusioned.
I haven’t brought this up with Fr Fab yet.
I think I must.
It is unhealthy to think that my church is mengkongkong or tie me into an institution.
But that’s how I feel.
I cannot get over the reference of all the articles with all the numbers.
Arrggh…I get nightmare with all those numbers.
Life is hard enough.
Now they made it harder because we are expected to follow a set rules of doing things.

I skipped church when I was in KL. I intended to go back to SFX for the Sunday morning mass.
But I didn’t because I cannot find a reason to go.
It is so early, I need to take a taxi and I don’t know if I can get a taxi back to my hotel.
Ok, I also don’t look forward to go to a new place with new strange faces and new priest.

Maybe it is high time I go for another one of those highly rechargeable session to find God again.
It is like batteries plugged into those rechargeable gadget to get the energy again.
Maybe I am plain tired of being me, being Catholic and being me.
Yes, there is this confusion in me that me is not Catholic-ky enough and being not Catholic-ky enough means I am not being me. Sigh…what a stupid confusion I am having now.

I also didn’t bother to make a trip to St. Anne this year because hubby works till late and I don’t know my way there.
I am also not into one of those ‘let’s take a bus and make a merry group from church to church’.
I am feeling utterly, utterly confused with who I am.
I cannot connect when people told me they went for the 9-day novena.
I cannot understand why I need to ask St. Anne for favours.
I got no favours to ask from St. Anne or even God.
God is supposed to know what’s good for me because I don’t know myself, you know?

This is getting lengthy.
This is getting silly.
This is just being plain tired of life at the moment.
Not the physically tired kind of tired but the ‘been there, done that, now what else can I do?’ kind of deflated feelings.
I think I am one of those mountain-top feelings seeker.

Hmmm…maybe I should make a pilgrimage to Tibet for some Catholic meditation.
But hey, I won’t be able to grow a beard and come back looking darn cool like a swami.
Or a wacky but coolest Catholic priest.
So, I have nothing to prove if I have sit on some mountain top to find God.
Therefore, no deal.