We talked about it. At the back of my mind, I did feel a bit cruel to tell the person that if the cancer has spread to her brain, it may messed up her memory. Back then, about a month ago, I was being truthful. I felt it is my duty as a pastoral care person to hint reality to a sick person so that when they are pondering over their illness, they are aware of the ‘what if’.
Not everyone has access to the internet and not everyone likes to face the scary future when they have a terminal disease. So, most people probably forge ahead without knowing what to prepare in advance. To me, a pastoral care person is to prepare the person for their eventual death and other debilitating condition.
I often reminded, gently, very gently of course, the patients that I am not a social worker who is there to bring cheer to them. I am there to listen to their inner fears of dying or losing control of their body movements. Sure, we chat about mundane things, funny jokes and etc but even without proper education in clinical pastoral care, I suppose my duty is to give my hands to these people to hold on while we venture in the death and dying part. That’s why I had to apologise often to the patients with sentences like, “I am not being cruel, I hope to understand your fears but when you are in this condition, sometimes….(insert something negative but is reality).”
So, about her. A month ago, when she found out that the cancer has spread to her brain, I had warned her that she may lose her memory, become disorientated or lose control of her limbs, i.e. not being able to walk or something. I dare not tell her being in comatose is probably part of the package deal. We talked about it and I want her to know that these are all the possibilities she must be prepared to face. I asked her if she had done all the paperworks that needs to be done.
I haven’t seen her for about two weeks. Today, she no longer remembers me. It is not important. I am merely a kind stranger passing her way. But what about her loved ones? How can one accept the pain and shock of a mother/wife who suddenly no longer remembers them? She keep asking the same question over and over again. She tried to remember which hospital she is in. She kept asking me how long has she has had cancer. She asked if she is still in employment.
What can I say except to tell her that all the nurses there are like her sisters. They love her and will take proper care of her. Now that she doesn’t remember things, I joked with her that it is better because she won’t remember the pain she had suffered. I told her the things she had told me, like how she loves to cook and make cookies to sell for charity. I reminded her what I had heard she told me. I am glad that I am able to remember the details and repeat them to her.
At the end of it, I still think when one is in this situation, losing the memory is sort of dropping a huge baggage on the journey. Things become lighter. When cancer spreads to the brain, one may have their days numbered. I only hope to be there till the end. But being a temporary and voluntary pastoral care worker, I know this is not part of the ‘privilege’ I get. So, that makes me more determined to pursue a professional course.
Leave a Reply