Illusions, delusions

I have gone to the place several times. Yet, I wonder how I failed to notice the pictures hanging above the door? Were they just added? Or I was all the while fooled into believing something else.

So, when I see the photo of the Divine Mercy and Our Lady plus another, a saint (maybe Saint Anthony or who, I am not too sure), I asked if he is from my faith. (which I know is because only Catholics use them on their doors) And he said yes. I asked which church he is from and I knew it has to be my parish. And true enough, he is.

At the back of my mind, I do wonder…how come I have never seen you before? But then, we go to different language masses so maybe in all the six years, I have never bumped into him.

Yet, there is something compelling. We are followers of Christ or at least we think we are. I am taught that I am supposed to be there for the broken hearted. And he is the epitome of broken hearted-ness. (if there is such a word?) An elderly man kneeling and crying in public certainly deserves our sympathy, isn’t it? Never mind that many people (including the cynical side of me) know that when we see too much drama, we get jaded and stop caring.

Foolish me have the notion that shepherds are supposed to look after their flocks. You know…light of the world, salt of the earth and all those things we were taught? So, I did something rational, irrational, stupid, compassionate, whatever way you may see it….I phoned and asked a ’shepherd’ if he is aware of this old gentleman and what he had displayed in public.

Before I can finish my sentence and what I was about to say, I was told not to mess with people like them. This is not the first time I get my sentence cuts off in mid sentence. Oh well…..so much for preaching and talking godly stuffs.

It is ironic that last night, before I went to bed, I read Psalm 5. It was one confusing thing to me where this person wants God to forgive a sinner like him and yet, he is cursing those who are sinning. I read Mazmur 5 and it goes something like “Hukumlah mereka, ya Allah; biarlah mereka celaka kerana rancangan sendiri” but at the beginning of it, “Tetapi demi kasih-Mu yang besar, aku dapat masuk ke Rumah-Mu.” See? How confusing right?

And this morning, before I begin my day, I chanced upon Acts of the Apostle 9:36-42. This is the first time I read about Tabita. It was about her and how she died but was miraculous made alive again by Peter. To me, that’s another one confusing thing again. Tabita did many good things in her life. So yeah, it seems like a bribery for doing good. And that’s what I find superficial about faith. You do good, you expect to get good.

This is not the kind of Jesus-style that I know. To me, it is never about rewards and things waiting in heaven. To me, it is about doing things right now, right here. Being useful, being a comforter, being a genuine human who feels for another. Like what I had wanted to ask the ’shepherd’ was, “Can you spare a few minutes to comfort this person and who knows, he probably may see a way out of forgiving those who are causing him so much anguish.” Cos the poor man is living in this cycle of blaming the same persons over and over again over failed election promises. I have heard it so much, I told my friend I can even speak Tamil by now.

True enough, later on, the poor man is repeating the same thing to an Indian press and he is really saying the same thing with the same actions.

I hang my head in shame at how helpless I am. I went to the chapel because I have some time to spare before I pick my son. And I shed tears over it. It probably was like how helpless Jesus was when He went in to the garden to pray. You just get no where about it and no one seems to bother. It is all about human feelings, forgiving, accepting and seeing things differently. In the silent chapel, I get images of wilderness and I think we are indeed living in the wild if we failed to grasp the true faith that we are supposed to adopt.