Sometimes, it is silly how I get so worked up over doing something so simple as picking up the phone. Why did I agonise over something day after day? I suppose it is that thing call courage that dissipates after too many doubts thrown my way.
I forget that my duty as a Christ follower doesn’t end when I don’t have something ‘real’ to cling to. Like for example, when I was volunteering, I have a badge that says I am a voluntary staff there. That thing gave me the confirmation that I have a purpose and a mission.
But when that was reluctantly returned when I have no more time to volunteer, I had my confidence yanked off as well. I actually allowed that to happen. I forget that whether I belong or not, I belong to Christ and I have a mission on earth. I have a purpose on earth.
This morning, I went to see V’s wife. She was so happy to see me. I shared with her some of the things that V used to tell me when he was sick and dying. He never told his wife about his worries. He was that stoic, strong, brave man who refused to let his wife knows how vulnerable and how fearful he felt. Men are like that. I experienced that when my own son was sick.
That barrier we built because he doesn’t want to appear fearful and wish to be the ‘man’ to show me there is hope. And I was that woman who were on the brink of going crazy with no emotional support. That’s why I volunteer because I know no one knows that fake facade of being stoic better than me.
So, V died without showing his wife he knows he is dying. Today, I managed to tell her a bit of what he shared with me and I believed it helps her alot. I told her how he worries about her not being able to cope with two boisterous boys, no job and how hard it is to educate them. V is very, very concerned with his boys education. They were only 6 and 4 yrs then. He had big plans for the boys, making sure they study well and all.
It is Deepavali and a very joyous occasion at her home. And we managed to remain cheerful and talked about V and his stubbornness. Now, I know why my heart has been so greatly troubled. I was the one with the last few remnants before V died. He never told his wife some of the things that he felt. I filled it in for her. I had done my duty.
There are more to do. And I pray that the Lord will continue to nudge me when my confidence that I belong to Christ is slacking and dipping lower and lower.
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