“Leave everything”

I practically forced myself to a new church last Sunday. I was there too early because I was given the wrong time. I wanted to sneak to Seagafredo for coffee instead. I knew if I went out, I probably will find other excuses like having to pick my hubby and sons.

So, I hang around the church compound until Novena. I was still so lukewarm to the place. I miss my old church. I miss the aircond. The comfort zone. The familiar faces. And my fav priest. I am such a lost duckling (where religion is concerned), I need a big shadow to follow around.

However, the Word of God came loud and clear. Jesus told the young man to leave everything behind if he wants to follow Jesus. The young man was reluctant. I have the same attachment to a familiar ground. I feel secured because people in the old church know I am a convert. They were my RCIA facilitators.

Now, I am in new waters. Where everyone seems such ‘professional Catholics’. I don’t know the Angelus. I don’t know why they have a confessional booth. I don’t know anything.

But luck is on my side. One of the nurse from the cancer hospital where I used to volunteer saw me. She is a communion minister. After mass, I ran to hug her. It was so comforting to have someone I know there.

So secure to know that someone there knows the hurts and the pains that I used to carry around. I am not just the facade of a good and pious Catholic. I am who I am. The one who enjoyed working with dying patients. The one who could hold the hand of the comatose old woman who never gets any visitor every morning and talked. The one who gently told dying patients to let go, release their baggages, don’t hold on to more worries….

Incidentally, I was told the cancer hospital is going to hold an interfaith memorial end of this month. I was there last year. I know it is part of the plan that I am now slowly driven back to the place. When time permits and God’s willing, I will return there again.

And I left the church, feeling that I have seen the light. I need to leave everything I am having in my current cathedral one day, slowly. And stop being so fearful of new churches.