Of miscarriages and abortions

This is something that I have never written down in my personal blog because it is not something I wish to tell the world. But after reading my friend’s faith and how her faith in Allah has helped her cope with her miscarriage, I think I can look back and reflect.

My first pregnancy (the one before I have my eldest son) ended in miscarriage. It was very traumatic for me because I was almost into my second trimester and had even bought maternity dress. I dare not even tell the bad news to my own mother and sister because everyone was talking about my pregnancy.

When the D&C was over, I felt so guilty and wondered what I had done wrong to be punished that way. I was of a different faith then and I grew up with this punishment and reward mentality. I searched and thought hard what were some of my sins and regretted them. It was very hard because if you have grown up with that kind of thinking, the guilt and the uncertainties will eat up all your conscience. Never mind that I may not commit any major sins but when you are facing that kind of ‘punishment’, you automatically take the blame on your shoulder. Suddenly, you feel worthless, useless and totally wrong eventhough it may not be my fault.

Then, on my fourth pregnancy, i.e. the one between my third son and my deceased fourth son, I again had another miscarriage. This time, I was into seeking medium. So, I thought that after going through all the necessary rituals of taking the talisman and etc, my pregnancy (bleeding) would be ’saved’. It didn’t. I had to do the D&C on 2nd January 2000. I still remember going to the ob-gyn’s clinic on the New Year’s day of the new millennium. Dr. Ng was the most understanding ob-gyn and probably, his patience and his kind words slowly drawn me to know Christians better.

So, once I went through the heartaches of losing two babies through miscarriages, I am very much against women who conveniently wish to end their pregnancies because the baby is not of the sex they prefer. Yes, I have met real women with such lame reasons. They totally treat pregnancies like a game. I cannot do much to change their minds so I normally withdrew and never wish to associate with them any further.

Now that I am a Christian, I know that life is not about punishment and rewards. We win some, we lose some, that’s life. Like Dr. Ng comforted me, he said I must be happy that inspite of my irregular periods, I can have so many children and I am blessed already. And indeed, those pregnancies that ended in miscarriages do make me more appreciative of every single baby born in this world. We do not always get healthy babies but we must still be thankful to God for the short happiness we went through.

I wonder why I never mention this in my personal blog? Maybe because all these still hurt and yes, I still can shed tears over them.

So, don’t ever treat the life you conceived in you as something that can be easily get rid off. It is a life, a baby and a human, no matter at what age. Give the child a chance, pause your life for a moment and in the long run, you will not regret it as much as going for abortion. The experience will leave a woman with a big empty gap in their heart. With an abortion, you cannot turn back and change your mind. With a baby, you may give him/her up for adoption and he/she may someday still be yours.