Of obituary and the nastiness of cancer

One of the nurse told me that someone has passed on. She gave me her English name and I couldn’t recalled immediately as I met the patient only once and her registration shows only the Chinese name.

I got home and flipped the paper and see her photo in the obituary section. Then, I know who she is. All I know is she has very good friends who cooked for her everyday and a loving husband who is constantly on her side.

When I visited her, she was a bit disorientated and was between aware and half aware. She is the second one I met who has passed on. I guess it is part of the package of what I am doing. People come, people go home, they come back looking much worse and sometimes, they never make it.

Today, I met another woman whose cancer has spread everywhere. But inspite of her very weak condition, she told me that she will hold on to God and surrender all to Him. The beautiful thing is when we are talking God, we are talking about the same Divine Being though our faiths are different. I told her that once, I almost turned to Lord Murugan for help too but I wasn’t able to leave the hospital to visit a Hindu temple. After chatting for a while, I suddenly told her that sometimes, the family members of the patient are undergoing great worries, fears and etc and they have a hard time to face the patient.

I am not sure why I brought this up but it was a conversation I had with a nurse yesterday. We know that many patients do not get visits from home. So, she told me that she now has to be brave for the family because they are more worried than her. She said, “Apa guna menangis? Kalau mau menangis, sendiri diam-diam menangis.” She had to put on a brave front to reduce the worries of the family.

It is kind of sad, isn’t it? No, it is very, very sad. A cancer patient not only have to deal with the physical pain which is very, very painful, they also have to deal with the emotional side. I know many of them will put on a cheerful front when their loved ones visit because they want them to feel less heartaches. That’s why when my son was in the hospital, I dislike visiting relatives because I was too tired to fake it. So, I always gave excuses for them not to come.

So, today sort of seal my belief that I do have a purpose of being there. They do not have to fake it with me and they are free to tell me the amount of pain they are feeling or whatever private matters they have no one else to tell to. For that, I thank God for giving me the wisdom and strength to see pain, fears, worries, desperation, hopelessness, death and dying without flinching.