Oh how I hate those assumptions

I remembered one confession where I told the priest I have difficulties receiving thank you. I told him that I was involved in grief support and also befriended parents with critically ill children. The hardest part for me is when these people loaded me with thank you. I get uneasy because it made me feel like I am doing things for the acknowledgement.

The priest told me I should continue doing it but ‘disappear’ like a thief after the deed is done without waiting for thank you. He told me how Jesus often ‘disappeared’ to pray or evade the crowds. It was mighty funny because I wonder how to become an invisible woman? Jesus didn’t have internet and mobile phone so He could unplugged everything and went up the hill. The only hill I can go up will costs me money or even worse, burnt a hole in my pocket with the jackpots.

Anyway, until today, I still have problems with those assumptions. Most of the patients often remarked how I could reap good karma, good wateva with what I am doing. I told them I am a volunteer and those day care patients who are much more healthier often pulled me to sit down and talk to me about how the action of doing voluntary work could give blessings to my children.

Normally, I would be squirming in my seat (which is a small stool) with so much uneasiness. However, some of them would go into bla bla bla God bless you yadda yadda yadda without giving me a chance to even explain. I felt like a hypocrite who goes around collecting brownie points.

Of course, it would be rude to cut into their animated conversation so I let them finish. Then, I told them that I am only there because I was down that path of worries, fears, facing uncertainties, hospital ICU, how those good samaritans who merely chatted with me had helped me, so I am giving back. I told them it is giving back.

I have volunteered for almost six months now. I hope I will go for another six months and beyond. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am giving back, not collecting bonus points, giving back, giving back, giving back.