Last Sunday, they have the last few RCIA rites in church. It is the exorcism and the handling over of the Lord’s Prayer to the catechuments. I recalled participating in these rites during my confinement with Matthew.
Oh boy, I am one tough cookie. I had a bad c-sec operation, had an infection to my wound which needed daily dressing and I was breast-feeding (read : engorged breasts) and yet, I could attend church and took part in the RCIA rites.
If I remember well, back then, we catechists needed to kneel during our exorcism at the altar. And I did it. (without bursting a stitch)
Last Sunday, when I was sitting there witnessing the new batch, I was like admiring my own faith of journeying through RCIA. It is not an easy process. Dropping out is really easy because the facilitators aren’t supposed to force it upon us to attend the classes. Also, we have the choice to say we do not want to be baptised.
During our batch, one girl did dropp out a few days before baptism and she was the most ‘studious’ one with a boyfriend who is a Catholic. Then, there was another girl whom we expected to be baptised because she was soooo touched by the Lord and yet, she had to leave us.
So, having gone through RCIA, going through the several rites to be a Catholic and the eventual baptism on Easter is indeed God’s works. We may want to say yes but it is God who finally accepts us. After all, Jesus said, ‘You did not choose Me, I choose you…’.
I wonder what goes through the minds of the people waiting to be exorcised that morning. Do they have as much baggage as me when I was going through the process? I had to unload the heavy burden of being the ‘appointed and official’ daughter-in-law in-charged of ancestor worship. I have to say bye-bye to Kuan Yin whom I once believed did help me through my parenting years. I have to stop believing in what I had been brought up to believe in the past 38 years (I was baptised at 38 yrs old).
Now, don’t mistaken that exorcism is a process of getting rid of the demons in us only. It is also about untying the fondness of money and power and all the earthly things. It is about confessing that from then on, we believe in only One God.
I also remembered that a few of us RCIA catechists were such cry-babies. We would sob and sob during those rites. Some of us cried because of the overwhelming God’s grace we felt. Others cried over the dark pasts and hurts that we are finally leaving to Jesus. Those days, the verse, “Come to Me all ye who are burdened….’ are balm to me.
The other thing that I sadly noticed is some new Catholic converts may dropped out of the Catholic church after a while because of the lack of support. Although the priest did remind us over and over again that we are to journey and pray with these new converts, words alone do not help much. If my reason of turning to Christianity wasn’t that strong, I too would have dropped out. So, I thank God that I did stick through thick and thin and proudly receive the Holy Communion till now.
It is going to be seven years now. It is still a learning process. Some parts of Catholicism are still puzzling to me. But thank God, I am an inquisitive child with the faith of a 7 years old, naive and trusting. So, it serves me well. And thank God too for all the nice, radical, unconventional priests whom had guided me.
It is amazing how the Bible seems to have hidden paras that we missed and discover later.
It is either I don’t read the Bible enough or I am usually very inspired and in deep thoughts so I overlooked some parts.
Or I have very bad memory and my brain doesn’t work very well retaining things I read.
Then again, I am a Catholic convert and I didn’t grow up reading the Bible as a kid so maybe I have excuses to not know some parts some times.
After all, I am going to be a 7 yrs old Catholic this Easter so it is alright for 7 years old to be a bit dense.
I was having a late night supper of instant noodles and the Bread of Life. Slurping my Maggi Assam Laksa and drinking a hot cup of Nestum with condensed milk, I go through the Gospel of John.
I am not sure who gave me this idea that it is good to leave the Bible open at the altar. I have a nice cabinet where I kept my Bible open. Previously, when I was staying at my own apartment, we don’t have the luxury of space. Now, in this rented house, it comes with a nice display cabinet, just perfect for my Bible, little symbols of my faith, photos of Mother Mary and Jesus.
So, I was really enjoying my hot, sourish instant noodles while reading about the boy with 5 barley loaves and 2 fishes. I had read that part many times. After all, which Christians do not know the story of the boy with 5 loaves and 2 fishes who fed 5,000 people?
I then went on to the Bread of Life. But the part that I had missed is why Jesus fled to the other side. Well, according to the Bible, Jesus fled because He knew they will force Him to be King. The Jews, right?
And another part is the Jesus walking on water. Well, everyone knows Jesus walked on water too. But I missed the part where the disciples realised they already reach shore. There was no rowing. They found Jesus, they discovered they have reached the shore.
So, what’s the inspiration I found while having midnight supper and the Bread of Life? Two things.
One is to know when to ‘siam tampok’ or to avoid getting into situation. Know when to fled, to leave a situation, to avoid.
Two is to have faith that when we believe in the Bread from Heaven, we don’t have to worry so much about the nitty-gritty like rowing. We will end up where our destiny is, just like the boat bobbing in the storm. If there is Jesus, there is a Way. A Life.
Hmm…not bad for a midnight supper, eh?
This is actually a self-confession that I have failed in my mission to stick to vegetarian fasting for 40 days. But never mind, I haven’t gone all the way yet. I stick to fishes and hence, I am now a fishietarian!
Today, I was watching Licence to Grill which is a cook show about grilled foods. The Robert guy was making a venison grill and quails as well. My little boy who was sitting down on the sofa with me gave me a cheeky look and said, “Aigh, aigh, aigh….you are thinking of eating that meat……”
It was a funny expression from him. A cheeky smile with a glint in his eyes. He knows how hard it is a struggle for me because sometimes I look foolish picking out the little pieces of things from my foods just to ‘stay within the boundary’.
Then, he put up both hands in a fluttering manner and said, “Temptation……meat…..temptation…”
I guess he has got the meaning of fasting. I told him it is something I try to do eventhough I don’t find it easy.
Later on, we went out for dinner. There was a plate of belacan fried chicken and a steamed fish plus brinjals. Since there are so few of us, I cannot afford to order dishes to suit me.
So, I ate the fish which is rather big. He saw me eating and said, “aigh…you eat fish. Fish is meat, you know?”
I told him, “No, fish is fish. Jesus always eat fish in the Bible. Go back and check. He grilled fish by the beach after He was resurrected. Anyway, if mommy doesn’t eat this fish, you all cannot finish it. Moreover, my legs will not have strength to walk if I ate only these brinjals.”
That’s how the fishietarian term comes about. We are going to an island holiday in Thailand tomorrow. I am not going to miss eating seafoods. Fishietarians, remember?
Last Saturday, I had to cancel my lector’s duty because I had a bad flu that affects not only my voice, even my hearing wasn’t working well too. So, I attended the Sunday morning mass instead of my Saturday’s sunset mass.
Somehow, going to church on Sunday morning 10 am doesn’t give me the same feeling like a 7 am mass. I am not sure why but I get this ‘showy Christians weekend activity’ feel whenever it is a Sunday. It is more like a social thing than a solemn one-on-one communion with God thing.
There will be the regular crowds of happy families with many kids. The all dressed up aunties with honeycomb hair. The Simpsons family….ok ok, I make the last one up. Then, the ‘gimme your money or God is going to be so angry with you for being so stingy’ people who will be asking if I want to buy books, lottery tickets, cookies, cakes, dinner tickets…..
Usually, at this time of the year, during Lent, there is a solemn feel to church. No flowers, no Gloria, no Alleluia….But I can’t feel the solemnity yet. I fast. I remind myself about Lent. I read. I ponder. Yet, the overwhelming feelings where one is on the verge of tears over God’s grace, sacrifice of His only Son, the joy that it is the run up to the anniversary of my baptism and etc just don’t eat up the insides.
There is no mountaintop feelings. Nor dark valley feelings as well. Psalm 23 failed to bring tears to my eyes. And that is bad news. Usually Psalm 23 breaks my heart. It was the first Psalm I learned before I know Christianity. It was the Psalm Doc C read over the coffin of my fourth son. It was the Psalm that made me sobbed during the several RCIA rites I went through. I always cry with Psalm 23.
But nah ah, no feel. Where have the feelings gone?
Well, I think this is the restlessness mentioned in the book I was reading. I bought some book to guide me for Lent. It says one is supposed to feel a sense of restlessness. I haven’t peek into what Week 3 is supposed to bring. Don’t want to spoil the suspense. (actually, I don’t know where I stuffed the book)
I always try to observe something that I have to physically do during Lent to remind me of the run-up to Good Friday and then, Easter. For a Catholic convert like me, each Easter is an anniversary for me.
So, I look forward to it with some excitement. To make it more memorable, a little sacrifice each day made it more meaningful. Maybe cradle Catholics and especially Christians who have been Christians all their lives will not understand the big fuss I kick up over Lent.
They will not understand why I have to keep whining and ranting, complaining and repeating about the difficulties of staying on course of eating only vegetables and eggs. Why don’t I just shut up and not do anything, eat whatever I want? No one asks us to do it, you know?
No one can understand how difficult it is for a ‘praying Chinese who used to pray to every deities, rocks and even non-existent beings’ to adopt a new way of prayer. Praying to only One God and that One God whom I can embrace from three different angles. For 38 years, I had a totally different way of looking at my Divine Being.
For 38 years, it was all reward and sacrifice. If I offer such sacrifices of roasted pigs and ducks, I expect to be rewarded with good health, wealth and lots of jades and golds.
Now, it is a much simplified way of thinking. My Lord only asks of me to be obedient to Him, offer myself as His instrument and let Him handle everything else. He said He knows what I want and what I need without even telling Him.
So, it is a huge change and one needs to adapt to this new way of loving a new God. Hence, I have to do all the things that I am doing such as remembering that it is Lent. Recalling God’s Grace for me and my families during the most difficult times we went through, i.e. during the illness and then, the death of my son.
The little action I have to do each day so that I can remember I am Christian. The ‘oh shit, I am suppose to eat no meats’ exclaimation when I forgot.
Such is the orientation period we Catholic converts go through as we journey along as a Christian. Come to think of it, I have done marvellously well these 7 years. At the end of it, I can proudly say that I did it on my own free will, on my own accord and I did it because I want to do it.
