Recently, I have not been writing as much as I used to. Maybe, I am pretty settled into a comfy life again. I no longer struggle with the decision of going to another state/country to study or not. My mind is pretty made up. I have written a letter to the nun in Assunta. I am going if there is a suitable date (i.e. not clashing with Chinese New Year or school opening).
So, there is no inner demon to war with. Life goes on as usual. That’s why I cannot find any inspirational stuffs to write.
(this building is at the highest point of the hill where College General is. I heard that it is a museum.)
On Tuesday, I met up with two priests from College General and I told them I am a blogger. Fr Edwin asked if I am the one who wrote about College General. Yes, that’s me. Whatever words or names I write, they tend to end up on the first page on the search results. I can’t help it that God and Googlegod love me to bits and gave me that Midas touch. Many companies would die to have that kind of magic touch.
Martin Jalleh’s name also end up on my blog. I told Martin that I am like his PR (public relation officer) because whatever bad or good I wrote about him in my blog, that post will be there to be found by every surfers.
Father Fabian too stumbled upon my blog before he realised that I am THAT meek woman, sitting down quietly at the pew all the time. Hehehe.
Therefore, is it any wonder that whenever I wish to be more truthful, I get cold feet about those holy people accidentally stumbling upon my horn self? Bah, do I care? Nay…..Never be a hypocrite. So, either love me or leave me alone, that’s my tagline.
God works in mysteriously ways indeed. There was one period when I was trying hard to get hold of Fr S.L. to ask him about clinical pastoral care because I was told that he is the best person to talk to. He is the only one whom had gone through all the four units of CPE.
But I wasn’t able to because he was away. Then, when he came back to Penang, I still couldn’t get hold of him as he is busy. Then, I heard that he is celebrating mass in OLS and I intentionally went to OLS to attend mass that evening. I felt like a stalker! LOL.
I met up, give him a brief introduction and told him I will try to catch up with him to get more advices. Funnily enough, the next morning I met him again in College General because I was there for a meeting. He was free and took time to give me some contacts.
The next day, I met him at a candlelight vigil and this went on for another two days as we went to the same candlelight vigils. Therefore, I met him for five days consecutively. If that’s not some hint from the Divine, I don’t know what is.
Father S.L. told me that it is now hard to study in Singapore as I probably cannot get a visa. He said the Singaporean immigration will give only 60 days visa whilst my course is three months. I told him about the high costs as well and the arrangements that didn’t work out.
He gave me an alternative in P.J. Now, I am pondering if I should write and get on with what I wanted. I want to ponder if I can afford the costs without going to any organisation to ask for financial support.
Since it is in PJ and I think it is rather near to my brother’s home, I won’t have problems with accommodation and such. Father SL also told me that it is very cheap to take the course in PJ. Moreover, I will be exposed to all sort of situations and not just limited to cancer patients.
So, I am giving myself a little time before I shoot off a letter to the nun there and tell her I want to take up CPE. Help me, Lord.
Tuesday was quite an easy day because there were not many patients in the ward. So, I decided to spend as much time with the few patients. Normally, I put out some invisible antennae to gauge if they feel like talking with me or secretly wish me to get lost and not bug them. If they are ok, then, I stay for about 10-30 minutes.
There was this elderly man with a huge tunnel for an eye. I approached him, not sure if he is receptive to me. I am a super sensitive person and is able to pick up the response through their body languages and replies to my introductory questions like ‘how long have they been in the hospital’, ‘how many more treatments’ , ‘how are they feeling, getting better, able to eat and etc.’
He was glad to have someone to talk to. But he has lost his voice. Whatever comes out are very hoarse. I thank God that He must have given me special skills to hear. I was told that if we are required to deal with certain situation, the good Lord will equip us with what we need to handle it. Example, a nose that is able to withstand the accidental B.O. smell, a stomach that can stand people retching in front of me, a touch that says ‘I care’ when no words can say it better and etc.
He is undergoing treatment for his throat. I could see a nasty red spot there. It is not easy to catch what he was saying so I repeated some of what I heard to make sure that I am understanding him. He has plenty of things to tell me.
First, he told me what he had gone through and why his eye needs to be removed. He was so friendly, cheerful and is able to walk about. So, I told him how much I admire him for his will and his spirit. I asked him why he didn’t cover up the missing eye to avoid dust. I joked that he would look like a pirate. Then, I asked him if it is ok if I go near and see where the tunnel leads to. He must enjoyed my company because I didn’t feel freakish with his condition. So, he told me how he had to endure two years of runny nose due to the dust that went in through his eyes into his nose. I even asked him if the tunnel needs cleaning!
He is indeed an inspiration to me. We talked about the recent flood in Penang, the stupid politicians and even ISA. He said it is futile for a person to be too engrossed in getting rich. He told me that life is meant to be lived simply. There is no point in fighting with people and if possible, just let them have what they wanted. We do not have to be too calculative. He said he has lived a satisfactory life and do not fear death. He has money, kids, grandkids and been traveling. He said other patients are not so lucky because some have small children, some need money for their treatment and hence, they are inundated with worries.
I learnt so much just chatting with this gentleman with one eye and almost no voice and couldn’t swallow foods nor has any tastebuds. It is marvelous how our own lives are sometime enriched through conversations with random strangers. At the end of the conversation, it wasn’t him that I have helped but rather, the other way round. He has given me more knowledge on how to deal with other patients and my own life.
I need positive patients like him to encourage me that pastoral care is not all about helping people to deal with an impending death. Ah…that’s another tough situation that I am going through right now but that’s for another day.
I attended the special mass calling for the abolishment of ISA, the draconian law. FF, the priest saying mass told us the story of ‘The weight of a snowflake’ by Kurt Kauter.
As usual, I took notes. I was writing away in frenzy because homily by FF is usually very interesting and I like to note pertinent points and reflect them in my blog. FF ended the homily with this story. I found it on several sites and copied this from positivethinking.
“Tell me the weight of a snowflake,” a coalmouse asked a wild dove.
“Nothing more than nothing,” the dove answered.
“In that case I must tell you a marvelous story,” the coalmouse said. “I sat on a fir branch close to the trunk when it began to snow. Not heavily, not in a raging blizzard. No, just like in a dream, without any violence at all. Since I didn’t have anything better to do, I counted the snowflakes settling on the twigs and needles of my branch. Their number was exactly 3,471,952. When the next snowflake dropped onto the branch–nothing more than nothing — as you say — the branch broke off.”
Having said that, the coalmouse ran away.
The dove, since Noah’s time an authority on peace, thought about the story for a while. Finally, she said to herself, “Perhaps there is only one person’s voice lacking for peace to come to the world.”
So, is your voice going to be like the 3,471,953 nothing more than nothing snowflake that breaks the branch of the fir tree?
Have you wondered why Christians are so fond of the cross? Do you notice that there are crosses and there are crosses still with the bloodied Jesus on it? These are things that have puzzled me a lot before I know about Christianity.
Christian Catholics have the crucifix which is the cross with Jesus still on it. Other Christians only have crosses minus the body. Let’s not get into the why Jesus is on some crosses and why Jesus is not on others. It will cause a lot of arguments if I dwell into that.
So, just let me jot down all these things that are slowly becoming clearer to me. Crosses to Christians are not just merely symbols. It signifies the burdens, hardships, sufferings, pains, rejections and all the hurt feelings we have in us. And sometimes, it is the burdens of others that we are shouldering.
Today, we have a visiting priest - Father Joe M. (sorry I do not know his name ‘cos no one tells us) from the Franciscan something-something Cappuchin. These individuals are different from the priests from our churches because they have made a poverty vow or something. When I see the brown habit (or whatever you call that brown robe), I have a lot of admiration because I have read about the life of St. Francis Assisi. (not that I have lesser admiration for our parish priests, ok? But they are rather pampered compared to the Franciscans. Hehehe.)
The good or the bad part of me is I always act very attentive and interested eventhough the homily (sermon) is boring or too technical or too historical. Some of the errrm….communion ministers were getting fidgety and I feel bad about it. Poor Father came all the way to this very lansi parish and I hope he feel welcomed. So, I put on the ‘yes, yes, I am listening, keep going’ look. The homily is quite long and yes, it is not something that we have not heard.
But Father (I didn’t get his name) said something that makes sense to me. He said when he first started praying, he needed a picture of Mother Mary to get him to concentrate. He said that we are sometimes not intuitive, not sensitive, not etc etc enough to be able to get into prayers. So, we need a symbol, a picture or an image to do that. Now, that explains why some other Christian denominations sometimes misunderstood our fondness to have crosses, crucifixes, pictures, images and etc all around our Catholic churches. Let’s just say that we are less imaginative than the rest of you.
(Jesus on the cross at St. Anne Bukit Mertajam)
Then, Father (in his brown robe) told us that after sometime, he could connect with Jesus the person and then, Jesus on the cross. Father said we should get a coloured cross with the bloodied and injured Jesus and stare at it if it helps us to focus on His sufferings. He said that most crosses like the huge one hanging above his head (hehehe) are all brown in colour and hence, the effect is not there. Fuyoh, from then on, I like him already. He is so technicolor.
But something else he said is, we shouldn’t bother about going for communion if we cannot make peace with our enemies. He said receiving the Body of Christ is a communion with our enemies. So, he lambasted no one in particular that we cannot say ‘I believe or Amen’ if we cannot remove the animosity from our hearts. I personally find this very powerful reminder and I thought it would jolt most people back from their wandering minds and glazed looks. But eheh, not so. I am not being judgemental but rather, I am observing human characters, ok? I sometimes wonder why people go for masses when they have that ‘ah boring, let’s finish this faster, will ya?’ look on their faces. I mean, they have been sitting there with no expression, no eye contacts or even looking in the direction of the priest (or rather poor, lonely priest talking to himself) so I take it that they are not even listening. *evading stones Matrix style*
Today, September 14th is the Exaltation of the Holy Cross. I do not have a cross at home. Yet. Maybe I should consider getting one crucifix with Jesus bleeding from His hands, feet and sides. Because I have very short attention span and I need the extra dose of technicolor to make me stick to my prayers.
God bless the priest. (I later found out that the priest is Fr. Joe M. of the Cappuchins)
