One of the thing experience by those who are terminally ill is depression. They sometimes withdrawn into their own shell. When you talk to them, they give you this glaze look and they only answer in short sentences just to get you away from them.
Even without formal training, I can tell when a patient needs some truthful and brutal words to draw them back. Today is one of those days. Normally, I will take a few days to get acquainted. But sometimes, we do not know what tomorrow will bring so it is imperative to get them back fast.
Before a patient can warm up to me, they have to trust me first. Usually, they will start looking at me in the eyes after I explained to them why I am there, what I have gone through, have seen or felt before. When they know I had been through those fears of dying, seeing my baby in pain and feeling helpless, they will begin to listen to me.
Some won’t talk. Some will. But usually, I have to get these messages across to them. I will tell them that I am not there to pity them. I am not there to cheer them up. I have no solution or any miraculous options. I sincerely and truthfully tell them that I see the person as he/she was. By then, I would have gathered what their occupation was and I told them to me, he/she is that person. I told them I don’t see you with all these tubes and swelling, bones and bruised skins and such. I see only ‘you, the person you were before you illness’. If the patient is a woman, I would touch them on the upper arm and told them, “I want that person to talk to me. Will you allow me to talk with that ‘you’?” If it is a man, I usually stay a distance unless they are very, very old.
A lot of times, I myself am surprised with how I could phrase all those sentences together. I usually take comfort that a force is with me. The unseen hands behind me. Sometimes, I will end up in one of the room occupied by a previous patient who is now deceased and I can imagine them as my guardian angels. They could be a Muslim lady, a Hindu friend, a jovial Chinese woman and etc. I privately remember them and I know they would be smiling in approval and giving me that extra courage to be there for another person, the way I had been with them. Or it could be God’s shadow hovering over me.
From there, I pray and hope they will start to be connected with their loved ones and it is fine they get sad and tearful. What is important is to prepare these patients to have a proper goodbye. It is better be filled with some tears and memories than to get shut away in cold distance without any feelings. I hate to see people just withdrawing into their shell and soon, they will just pass away without a chance to express what they really feel.
And why am I sharing this? Because each of us have to play this role someday. It could be to your parents, your friends or someone random. Our presence is very important to those people who have withdrawn into themselves. Be brutal with them with kind intentions. We cannot escape death. But we can make the final goodbye more meaningful and memorable. Loved ones sometime have problem pulling the person back because they find it hard to be brutal. That’s why I feel a person with that role is important. Hence, I am still going back every day for the ‘brutal but kind’ mission.
I remembered one confession where I told the priest I have difficulties receiving thank you. I told him that I was involved in grief support and also befriended parents with critically ill children. The hardest part for me is when these people loaded me with thank you. I get uneasy because it made me feel like I am doing things for the acknowledgement.
The priest told me I should continue doing it but ‘disappear’ like a thief after the deed is done without waiting for thank you. He told me how Jesus often ‘disappeared’ to pray or evade the crowds. It was mighty funny because I wonder how to become an invisible woman? Jesus didn’t have internet and mobile phone so He could unplugged everything and went up the hill. The only hill I can go up will costs me money or even worse, burnt a hole in my pocket with the jackpots.
Anyway, until today, I still have problems with those assumptions. Most of the patients often remarked how I could reap good karma, good wateva with what I am doing. I told them I am a volunteer and those day care patients who are much more healthier often pulled me to sit down and talk to me about how the action of doing voluntary work could give blessings to my children.
Normally, I would be squirming in my seat (which is a small stool) with so much uneasiness. However, some of them would go into bla bla bla God bless you yadda yadda yadda without giving me a chance to even explain. I felt like a hypocrite who goes around collecting brownie points.
Of course, it would be rude to cut into their animated conversation so I let them finish. Then, I told them that I am only there because I was down that path of worries, fears, facing uncertainties, hospital ICU, how those good samaritans who merely chatted with me had helped me, so I am giving back. I told them it is giving back.
I have volunteered for almost six months now. I hope I will go for another six months and beyond. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am giving back, not collecting bonus points, giving back, giving back, giving back.
I am not a fan of Enya because I found her songs too haunting for my liking. It sort of grab your attention, pull you into it and I find that too distracting. I am not sure if people understand what I am saying. Hahaha. For example, once you heard the sail away sail away, the tune will linger in your head for a long time, sometimes all day. Then, I tend to burst out with sail away sail away…
However, I think this is the reason why Enya And Winter Came album is the best selling on Amazon. With Christmas around the corner, this is like a good gift for those who like music.
This morning, I managed to grab hold of the church bulletin and found that our parish priests have asked us to dedicate a day each from December 14th 2008 till Christmas to pray for children.
Spare time to pray for these seven categories of children this week as mentioned in Daily Prayer Intentions for Children.
14/12 Premature babies in critical
condition – cradle them in the palms
of your hands and let them grow from
strength to strength each day.15/12 Children who are ill – that they
receive God’s special blessing to
relieve them and see them through to
recovery.16/12 Children with learning disabilities
– that they be cared for and taught
with patience and love.17/12 Children who are kidnapped – that
no harm come to them and that they
be restored to their families.18/12 Children with psychological
problems – that they receive all the
necessary help to restore them to
health.19/12 Children in our schools – infuse in
them a teachable spirit that they
may see others as being sent by you
to teach them to learn better
patience, greater love and more
compassion.20/12 Safety of children everywhere –
that they be protected from every
danger, disease and trauma.
In there, they listed each date and the type of children to pray for. The first one is the prayer for premature babies. Oh God, I know all about that. I know how parents and the babies, plus the doctors and nurses desperately need that extra miracle to get these babies to thrive and live or even breath. I have my own premature baby and has a site for premature babies. However, I have stopped updating that site as I have sort of move on.
Soon mass starts and I was the first reader today. I don’t like being the first reader because first reader has to carry the Bible and go with the priest, place the Bible, get down and within few minutes, I have to go up again. It is freaky being first reader, you know? Moreover, being Advent, there is no gloria and therefore, I have to make sure that my voice is not sounding weird as I do not have much chance to use it before my reading.
With my heart thumping and my mouth getting dry, I suddenly asked myself what am I nervous about? The times I was in the ICU flashed through my mind because the mention of premature babies in the bulletin I read a few minutes ago. I could almost hear the beeping of all those monitors, the cold aircond and the greenish lights. As usual, I normally focus my view on Jesus on the cross, hanging high on the ceiling of our cathedral to get composed before my turn to read. And I can almost sense Jesus laughing at me, “You silly woman, what are you afraid of? If you were so brave in the ICU, fighting with stubborn doctors, mean matrons and grumpy nurses, using all your might to get the best treatment for your son, what’s 3-4 minutes of being up there with a bunch of critical Catholics? What exactly are you afraid of, woman?” That’s when I get my “Ya hor, why am I so nervous?” And when I proclaim the reading from the prophet Isaiah, “…the Lord has annointed me. He has sent me to bring good news to the poor, to bind up hearts that are broken; ” it was like I am talking about myself.
The mass for the third Sunday of Advent or Gaudete Sunday is celebrated by Father Edwin Paul, the rector of College General. He used a video presentation (not the above but using the same O come Emmanuel) and the video has visuals of the meaning of Advent and the meaning of waiting for the birth of the Lord. From it, I get a glimpse of the bigger picture of God’s grace.
I know I would not even bother to have a second look at Christianity if not for the birth and death of my fourth son. I am not saying that God purposely let me have a premature baby to open my eyes but in the bigger picture, I see how this world is always filled with some pain, suffering, trial, tribulation, hardship, agony and etc but as Christians, we can always call to mind that there is rejoicing too. So, it is our duty, the rejoicing ones to bring comfort to the sufferings one. Now I am the rejoicing one, with my youngest boy’s birth and my conversion to Catholicism.
Christmas always filled me with a lot of emotional moments. Seven years ago, my son was home for a few weeks at Christmas. In fact, I spent the Christmas eve in 2001 at the hospital. I can remember very well because his regular doctor was on leave and he was very ill. I went to another doctor and told him how desperate I am because I cannot find my own doctor. That feeling of panic and lost were overwhelming as my son was on oxygen and people kept staring and chasing me to ask stupid busybody questions because we need to pull a tank of oxygen with us everywhere. This kind doctor, Doc C, sent me to another hospital for a quick test with a paed cardiologist, waited for us to return to his hospital, kept my son for observation and prescribe all the treatment for us. It was rather late and he grinned and told me that doctors like them have no time for themselves. He said, “It is Christmas eve and I am still here at the hospital.” That doctor has been instrumental in my journey to be a Catholic and one can say he has prepared the way for my sons and I to convert eventhough he doesn’t know that. These are things how things seem to fall in place in the bigger picture.
I am thankful that I have these insights of ‘how things work’ which helps a lot in coping with tragedies, problems in life and other tough situations. Out of every bad thing, some good will come eventually. We just have to have faith that one day, when we look at the bigger picture, we will see it.
My little boy has been programmed to mutter ‘Thanks be to God’ almost automatically. You see, whenever I practice my lectoring, I will read out loud and ended with ‘The Word of the Lord’. Whenever he heard that, he will replied with ‘Thanks be to God’. Sometimes, when he is outside my bedroom, in the living room, he would say it too, much to my amusement.
Then, he will grumbled, “Mommy…why can’t you say that yourself?” I told him, “Because mommy read it, so someone has to reply that they heard it.” He insisted, “But I don’t want to say it!” Actually, I didn’t ask him to respond hahahaha but he just did it out of habit. Lucky I only have lector’s duty like once a month or else, he will forever clamped up at the mention of ‘The Word of the Lord.’
Anyway, I make discovery every time I go through the readings. For example, in the last Sunday, which is the second Sunday of Advent and this Sunday, which is Gaudete Sunday, the readings of the Gospel are similar. One is from Gospel of Mark and the other Gospel of John.
In both Gospels, the birth of Jesus has been foretold since the times of Isaiah (which is almost 4,000 years ago). The prophet Isaiah already knew that God will send someone to lead the way in the wilderness. So, it is such an awesome and blessed opportunity to be able to read the passages from Isaiah, proclaiming the arrival of someone to our world.
Isiah 61:1-2a
The spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me;
he has sent me to bring glad tidings to the poor,
to heal the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives
and release to the prisoners,
to announce a year of favor from the LORD
and a day of vindication by our God.
I praise and thank God for His gift. Being a lector is truly a blessing and God’s gift to me. I firmly hold to His Word :
God has called you and He will not fail you. (Letter of St Paul to the Thessalonians, chapter 5, verse 24)
And truly, God has not failed me because I know I am not able to be a lector just on my own will. But I managed somehow because I truly believe I won’t do too badly if I keep having faith in Jesus to prod me, calm the butterflies in the stomach, stop the quivering in my voice and give me the ability to tell the congregation the Word of the Lord. Like Father FA reminded us, the lector ministry is a very important one because we lectors must prepare the congregation well in order for them to hear the Word of God when the priest break the Word to them.
