I found the post I made on the day I made my first visit. I have forgotten what a bunch of nerves I was when I have to make the first pastoral care visit. Reading back, it brings tears to my eyes because the first patient I knew and the subsequent ones are no longer here.
But I remember Mdm F fondly. She accepted me with so much warmth and welcome. Her hands held mine and that calmed me. Though she was about to lose the battle, she was still so lively and excited about life. She is someone special and so am I. Otherwise, how can a person at the end of her life, still have the ‘fun factor’ in her when she asked me to trim my eyebrows. And I really love my volunteer work there when Mdm F asked me about baby Jesus. I wanted to bring my son’s kids bible to show her and tell her stories but she went into unconsciousness after that.
I just recalled that in these last seven months, I had to actually ‘work’ to make myself blend into the environment. I had stopped putting on make-up most of the time now because I personally believe that I shouldn’t when I am there. Then, it became a habit to ‘look sympathetic and never feisty’. I only wear the same black t-shirt and brown corduroy pants because the brown fits the nuns’ uniform.
I didn’t expect I have almost no time to give the nuns any notice. I pray the Lord will give me courage to tell them that I cannot come anymore until something comes up to give me time again. I have to go to KL on Wednesday and that means, Tuesday (today) is the only day I will be there.
Lord Jesus, you know my heart’s desire and I trust in You to find the ways for me. I cannot understand my endearment to pastoral care in a palliative care ward in a cancer hospital. After seven months, I still do not know why I chose to do it. I had even confided to Fr Simon, Fr Huan, Fr Fab and the sisters at the hospital and still I still don’t know why I do it.
Though I have to temporary halt from pursuing this , I have walked out very much wiser, braver and enriched. Most of all, I see faith working in people.
I never expect it to be so emotional to stop doing the pastoral care. Tonight is probably the saddest of all the nights in the last seven months. Lord, make me understand why my heart remains restless when I can actually have an easy and ’sad-free’ routines.
P/S : In case people wonders, I have to surrender my badge and I cannot just walk in and out of the ward without a specific duty. I have to give the patients an assurance that I am around and I will be around. So, I cannot go as and when I am available.
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