Sometimes, we do not immediately see the picture until much later. Like when my son was dying, I only see guilt, anger, disappointment, heartbreak, fear, worries, betrayal and many other negative things. I couldn’t see beyond that.
There is this verse in the Bible in Proverbs 17:3
The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold,
but the LORD tests the heart.
With a verse like that, one will feel very angry with God for testing the heart and the person with trials such as the one I went through. But then, I am lucky I managed to rise beyond the abyss and pulled through. It wouldn’t have been possible if not for the help from those kind souls who crossed my paths.
Last Saturday, I was at the sunset mass. After holy communion, I felt a sense of calm and though I do not know what awaits me, I know it is a good feelings. I was on lector’s duty and we had been reminded that we must put on our Sunday’s best when on duty. Blek. So, I had mascara on as my family was planning to attend a friend’s party.
Otherwise, that overwhelming feeling of burdens and yet, the feeling of ‘you are alright’ would drive me to tears again. If you are not sure how it feels, it is like having a fight with a loved one and then, getting back together again. Except that this is a hundred times more overwhelming. The knowledge that I had been through some hard times but I am ok because Jesus is there all the time.
Right after mass ended, my lector’s leader made some arrangements with me. And someone was trying to catch my attention. I know his name and know he is an organist but that much I know him. It turned out that his wife’s sister was the woman has a premature baby.
Father F told me about it a few days earlier and I gave him a few copies of my ICU guidebooks. In fact, Father Fab related to me his experiences of dealing with two cases within the same day I gave him my book. I joked with him that after having my book, he will not find anything shocking anymore because I have a few cases of other babies born with problems.
Anyway, back to church, G told me about his sis-in-law baby and I told him the best person is to talk to my son’s doctor. I told him about Doc C and G told me his wife is talking to Doc C. So, we went over to Doc C and the four of us talked about the situation.
I told G and his wife that Doc C is my saviour and my guide. I assured them what I know and Doc C too kindly offer to see what he can do because he is in private practice but I know he will go out of his way to help.
I also offered to see G’s sister-in-law when she is ready to meet but I warned them that I am not a good candidate as the outcome of my own baby wasn’t positive. But never mind, I am there if they need me.
Doc C told them that I am an expert and both Doc C and I always have jokes about how stubborn I am in facing situations like that. The awesome thing is all these are taking place in the magnificent building, where we can feel closest to God.
After G left, I told Doc C about my pastoral care ‘adventure’. Doc C told me he is going to need my help with something else.
Later on, I met Father Fab and I told him I met up with G and his wife. He was surprised that I was so quick to get to know G’s wife already.
Reflecting back, now I see all these little jigsaw puzzles. Faith lead me to end up in a church with Doc C. Somehow, Father Fab brought up the subject of the baby out of the blue in our conversations and he doesn’t know I have a guidebook. I rushed over to him with the book eventhough I never mentioned it to him when we were on the phone. He took it to the hospital. And somehow, G’s children are Doc C’s patients and they know each other. Then, how did Father Fab met up with another case, on the same day he got my book? It is all part of the plan.
God didn’t not test me with the birth of a premature baby. But rather, He knows I am built for things like these and all these finer parts come together after I had been refined to face them. Like I had written many times, would I prefer not to be given a baby like Vincent, who will only live for seven months? I will take him, problems and all. Because I would rather my life be enriched with experiences like these than be empty and bare.
If someone has to take care of him, let it be me. I will make the best of the situation and God has granted me help. That Saturday, I felt happy. Those special people in my life have a special bond with me and though we are not exactly buddies, I know it is God’s grace that we are connected somehow so that we can be there for another hurting person. Yes, I thank you, Lord for the trials that come my way…in that way I can grow each day…
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