I read something about Mother Teresa just now. In some of her letters she mentioned about her spiritual struggles and how she face that doubt call hypocrisy during those times. I didn’t know that a person like her can also feel the same thing.
I have oftentimes confessed how I hate doing something and being thanked for it. If I remember correctly, I confessed to one of the priests that the hardest thing about doing good is to get people praising or thanking you. That made me feel like a hypocrite, out to gain recognition and acknowledgement. The elderly priest showed me a wave of hand (like shooing away) and told me to just leave after I did something. Hahaha, I wish things are as easy as that. It is not like I helped someone out of the drain after he fell in and right after I pulled him out, I ran away.
I cringed when I do my volunteer works and relatives or patients kept pestering me why I am there. They asked if I am from some nursing home, hoping to ‘bait’ some patients over. They asked if I am from some nutritional supplement companies. I told them that if I am, the hospital can call the police to drag me away.
A while ago, I told my little boy that, “Mommy may go away for a while to go to school.” It was just after I made him his regular bottle of milk. His eyes teared up and he ran to the bed to hide the face. Things like these break my heart to a thousand pieces. But then, if I allow these to hold me back, when will I ever do something that I am really passionate in? If others know this, what will they think of cold-hearted me who can leave a poor kid in that condition?
So, I took a deep breath and assured myself that my boy probably will forget my ‘usefulness’ when he realized that I am not the only ‘milk maker’, ‘poo washer’ and ‘food cooker’ or ‘chicken fryer’ in the family.
I dwell on the Bible and found Mark chapter 14. It is about the woman with the expensive oil. She used it on Jesus but the people around her said that it is a waste of good money. She could sell the oil, make money and donate it to the poor.
What did Jesus replied? He said the poor will always be around. But Jesus won’t be around because He knew He was dying soon. So, He said the woman ought to be remembered for her deeds.
I take that as a sign that we have to know our priorities. Unfortunately, my priority now is not doing what I had been doing for the last 18 years, i.e. mothering. I know my kids are in perfectly good hands with my husband. He could go back to work anytime but since he is not working now, I must prioritize and steal the time. After all, it is only 12 weeks, for goodness sake. Otherwise, it is back to serving my four kids for an eternity. Ouch, I cannot imagine being a grandma, serving the grandkids after that. Of course, it is a noble thing but that ain’t my calling.
Still, I do not know if I am bothered with this hypocrisy of trying to save the world when I should be at home. Bah, I am going ahead to see Sr I. today and discuss the plans. I leave it in God’s hand. My kids will always be around, but this chance of pursuing what I feel most happy doing, won’t come by often.
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