LOL, I don’t know why I get this idea that one can sometimes treat religion like a get high drug. Yet, it is not far from the truth.
I go through this cycle each year. In a way, I am terribly glad that I am a Catholic and I get to go through all the ups and downs of Jesus Christ’s life. I don’t know if other Christian denominations have their followers going through all the die, live again, went up to heaven, come down from heaven as a Holy Spirit and birth cycle all in a year?
Pentecost is a time when I like to empty myself of all my hurts, burdens and disappointments. I am glad that my church has 9-days novena where I can get totally immersed in only Christ and nothing else.
This evening, I went out to the other side of the island for dinner with the family but around 8.05 pm, we were passing by CHS and that’s when I recalled that they are having a novena prayer at 8.30 pm. So, I rushed home and came to church alone.
When I got there, I was like ‘alamak…charismatic prayer group conducting…die lah, all their songs are so ‘rancak’ and I usually have problem connecting with Christ’. But since I am there, I told myself to just surrender to Jesus and not be affected by the electric guitars, veteran voices and hands waving action.
Surprisingly, I feel so uplifted during the session and am touched with the Holy Spirit. I could feel His presence. I have an affinity of feeling the warmth of His Holy presence when I am in deep prayers. Though I had bowed my head down, almost to my knees, I slowly felt myself lifted up and my head went up straight.
This is the reason why I have avoided prayers groups like the Shalom and also the Charismatic group because I usually do not feel comfortable being ‘pulled too deep’ at this point in my life. I cannot afford the time nor the commitment. I get a super high during these sort of sessions and I don’t want to have an ‘overdose’.
So, I usually go for these sort of sessions only when I am terribly down or feel lost. Right now, I am feeling like I need a better sense of direction. Over the last one year, I have volunteered at Mt. Miriam and I was so happy that I finally get to do something that gives meaning to life. Sadly, I cannot afford the time anymore and though it has been a few months, I still miss the place and the people I meet.
Lately, I know I had gone out an extra mile in my citizen journalism, picking up people whom I feel I could help. I hate the saintly behaviour of mine and I wish I can be just like the next person, switch off, close the eyes and forget all about the feelings part. But I cannot. I blame Christ for giving me the insights and the touch. Blame is not a bad word. At least I know I acknowledge Christ working in me. Little children come up to me to ask for hugs. How can I just turn away? I see a deep sadness in the eyes of the people I meet. How can I pretend I do not notice? Women faces show their hopelessness. How can I not give them a few words to encourage them?
All these are certainly emotional draining on my part. Such emotions are not something you can unload to the next person. Yet, it is not something I can just switch off and switch on when needed.
That’s why I am glad Pentecost is here. I am hoping for renewal. I am praying for more strength. I am pleading for Christ’s guidance. Don’t put so many things in my path if I cannot handle it. Yet, don’t let me see disappointments when I have put my all. Some of my prayers were never answered. Year after year, RCIA after RCIA, I have yet to see any stirrings of the heart. The burdens of being a 50% Catholic home is sometimes very tiring to me. Bringing up four sons in a 50% Catholic environment sometimes scare me. What if I failed? What if they also ended up as ignorant as me? Or worse, leave the faith?
So, from now till Pentecost, I am going to surrender all my weaknesses, fears, disappointments, tears, frustrations, longings and so much more to Christ and may He gives me a kickass new attitude to things I cannot change. May I learn to be less guilty when I am pursuing things I really enjoyed doing. May I learn to love myself as much as I have given myself to others. May I learn to expect less so that I have less to feel disappointed with.
I shall then wait for my dose of get high drug….
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