“What will they think of me?”

This used to be one of the most feared, unspoken words that cause me to stumble sometimes. Being married to a big family who deals with praying paraphernalia, that makes it doubly hard. Moreover, my hubby has been given the honour of handling the family (my parents-in-law) affairs more than the others and hence, I had to play the role of the obedient daughter-in-law. In Chinese culture, that means the chief organiser of prayers (the Taoist type).

So, I usually avoid them or even if I am around, I could be seen as aloof sometimes as I do not get involve in everything. I have my lines drawn very clearly because like St. Paul said, our participation must not act as a stumbling block to the unbelievers. Meanwhile, I also try to blend in because Jesus said we must love everyone equally and hence, I try to please people where I can.

Thank God that through prayers of my friends and I, I am now more courageous. Now, I am not apologetic that I cannot participate in some of the things that I feel as superstitions while I can take part in those that I deem as respect for the deceased. I can stand up tall and prove that I am a Christian in a family full of non-Christians.

Hubby and I were somehow entrusted to guide the deceased’s only son to handle the funeral arrangements. He is only in his early twenties. His father’s side have a host of relatives who have a lot of demands. Some of them were contrary to what he desired. Being put in a situation, hubby and I took the decision that it is more important to please the son than the senior relatives. So, we helped him to go ahead with an elaborate Taoist funeral rites. I personally feel it is the most therapeutic for him and his sister because it involves a lot of heart breaking ceremony.

Though the extended family who were Buddhists were not keen to have it, we encouraged the son to go ahead with what he wanted. That involves him carrying a lot of ‘baggage’ to help his father to the next world. Then, the daughter has to boil medicinal herbs for the father. After that, they have to cross some bridges and etc. I had done that for my own mother-in-law and know that those moments, though very dramatic and painful, is a good way to grasp the reality of death.

God works in mysterious ways. Really beyond my belief. The undertaker whom I knew for years told me he is now a Catholic, baptised two years ago! Meanwhile, though I am a Catholic, I have the wisdom to do what is best for the family, encouraging them to give the man an elaborate funeral befitting his position and helped to think of all the finer details. I think this best describe what peace is. The ability to do things that give peace to others, without being held down by my own fears.

Though I was well versed with all their rituals, I didn’t participate in them. I stood by the side and say my silent prayers, asking God to have mercy on the deceased and bring him to His Heavenly Kingdom. I pray for the liberation of everyone from the confines of superstitious beliefs. I pray for peace in all their hearts. I pray that if it is His will, let me be His instrument of spreading the Good News of believing in the One and Only God.

I have broken the shackles of ‘What will they think of me?’. I do not care. As long as I have the peace in my heart that I am doing things the Christian way, the one full of love and respect for others.