When I don’t even know what I am praying for

This is one of those moments when I have the urge to pray and yet, am lost for words. I made a boo-boo today. I thought that there is an evening mass at 6 pm on every Wednesday. So, I drove there with a heavy heart because I really do not know what else I can do for him.

I got to church and oh oh, I am the only person there. I tell you, it is kind of spooky to be the only person in that big building. I am not sure if there is anyone around. I went to the sacristy which is a small, cosy room where people can pray because the main church is locked.

The problem is when I am facing the front portion, I do not know who is coming because my back is facing the door. I sat there and wonder if someone can come from behind and strangle me. My imaginative mind makes a mental note that I should ask the church to put a rear view mirror so that we can see people approaching. Oh well, I know it is a church and we are supposed to be safe in a church, no? Still…

So, I spend several minutes thinking of silly stuffs like these. In order to pray, we need to clear our minds. I waited and waited for my brain to finish processing all the mundane stuffs, like thinking if I should turn on the aircond or just sweat under the fan. Making mental notes to remember to switch off the fan before I leave….

Finally, I got down on my knees. I am lost for words. What do I pray for? I know it is futile to ask for extension of his life. He is already such a terminal case. I want to ask for a stronger will and more positive mindset. But he is already half aware and half asleep all the time. How do I even talk him into positive thinking? I want to ask for his comfort. Which I think is not such a difficult thing.

Then, the doubts crept in….”Am I praying for my own good or am I really sincere in asking God to save a person who doesn’t believe in HIM? How can God helps when people doesn’t want to know HIM?”

And in there, I know that I am also praying for my ownself. I pray that I am able to spread Jesus’s promise of salvation. I pray hard that they will be receptive to listen to me. Soften their hearts, Lord so that I can share with them the promise of salvation. But I know it is asking too much. Then again, Jesus did say that He will guide us when He put the sheep in the pack of wolves. (or something like that lah)

I know that I had mentioned in my previous post that when people preached to a dying person, we are like vultures preying on a dying corpse. But what else is there for me to offer now? So, Lord, give me a chance to be able to comfort him and his family. Empower me and fill me with Your Holy Spirit so that I could tell them about the Good News. Otherwise, Lord, please stop me from carrying others burdens which I can do nothing about.

Anyway, thank God that through this situation, I have found stronger faith in You. Otherwise, I will still be living in my own cosy, little world without much care for the real world. I will still be the weekender church goer. Hollow, robotic, ignorant. Thy Will be Done, Lord.